As a teenager it is typical to be selfish, carefree, make wrong choices and not possess a bone of responsibility. It is that one phase of life where you are supposed to feel everything and do everything.
Well, not so much for me as I did the opposite to what was expected of me. The blame could be placed on the fact that I grew up too fast, I fell in love the wrong way, I knew what mistakes I shouldn’t make and had too much responsibilities placed on my shoulders. So, while friends and everyone are out there partying, having sex, getting drunk, flunking their grades and finding their true selves, I was stuck in a little cupboard thinking of ways I could aid my family, be a good person to my friends and changing the world.
Don’t mistake my words. I know that it was right for me to do those things, but I was missing out the major reason for living. It was like; being alive is different to living. And while I was supposed to be making my own mistakes, embracing my soul and finding myself, I was out there ignoring what was within me and putting all my strength on what was outside (which I can fairly control in contrast to what I really am).
I now know the right thing I was supposed to find was balance….somewhere between living and becoming a better version of ME. And it was this mistake that demanded to be paid later.
Couple of years later, in my final year in the university after constantly falling into depression, insecurity, rejection and mood swings, I finally try to break free and try to understand who I really am. But the consequences came with a realization that I had to start from the scratch which resulted in me; walking away from the three year writing job I had, cutting off my membership from associations/groups that demanded too much from me, quitting goals that were never dreams and even letting go of people that deserve to be let go.
My mistake from years ago was not living out my dream, instead I thought I had a dream (Which is kinda wrong), because Dreams chose you, you don’t get to dream but you get to live out the dream that has been placed within you! I regret those years, guys, Cos if only I had gone about it the right way when those opportunities came to me, I would have been both happy and more successful. But I wasn’t.
Now, the real reason I quit my writing job and took a step back from being responsible was because I finally realize I wasn’t happy within. It made me confident, strong and a good example when my work is appreciated and valued, but what about happiness? My Happiness was missing; I mean genuine happiness that makes your soul glows.
So, I had to find myself…and that means focusing on myself solely. Making sure I have what I deserve; happiness, contention, love and peace. I might have sacrificed a few successes and people, but I paid for those wrong mistakes I made and now I’m having everything.
Today, I tell you this; I am genuinely happy with this little blog I have and some couple of things I do, Its like I’m finally giving myself a chance and recognizing the dreams I have within. The support system around me may not be as strong, but the one I have is rock solid.
I am starting to understand that I deserve to leave this world with no regret….and I am slowly becoming my true self.
A little Disclaimer.
If you live this kinda life and it works for you, then great. This post is merely me coming out of the closet and saying it doesn’t work for me. But don’t listen to me, if you work this well…then you are fine!